After a week of snow, blizzards and no rain we had totally annoyed all our families and puzzled most of our friends by moaning about the lack of rain. The River Gods in typical and true River God fashion repaid our stupidity by dumping gazillions of gallons of rain on the slowly thawing snow; this was all done on Saturday night in exactly 12 minutes.
When Darren left home to collect the Inner Circle it was dark, very very wet and had the sense of impending doom, just the normal pre paddling nerves then for Darren.
At Ross’s (Beavis’s) house Darren found Martin (Hobbit) already there having ridden his small pony with boat and paddle all the way from Semington’s Ville (or whatever its called). Darren and Martin continued to do all the work loading and packing the car, this is completely normal because Ross (Beavis) and Simon (Butthead) don’t ever help probably due to the fact that they are lazy sods and assume that just because they are famous they don’t have to do any work.
At this stage you are probably wandering where Beavis and Butthead came from, well first an apology to Simon, its not personal Ross could have been Butthead its jut the way it is so get over it! Anyway remember Beavis and Butthead long hair, sitting longingly looking into each others eyes and laughing weirdly at each others jokes, you know its true they sit in the back of the people carrier:
Beavis ‘ah ha’
Butthead ‘for sure’
Beavis ‘like ya ha’
Butthead ‘grrrr ya’
Both ‘hahahahahahah grrrrr’
Etc etc
So back to Darren and Martin doing all the work as usual after several calls, door bell knocking, ringing of bells, stone throwing and three 30 kiloton thermonuclear bombs Ross and Simon finally immerged from Ross’s house, asking why know one had tried to get them out???
Before I go on I just want to put things into perspective, as paddlers we are the Inner Circle (New) for 2006/2007 White-water Season, a small but distinguished group of hard core paddlers who at the beginning of 2006 would have aspired to run the Dart Loop. After all the paddling that’s been done this season the Loop has been demoted to the new Symonds Yat. In fact we don’t even stop and play on the loop we just run it!! We are even turning away people outside the Circle. Where will we go from here Grade 5? The Alps?
The car was now loaded with all the kit and sat creaking under the weight; this was mostly caused by Martins lunch box made up of bird food and Squirrel sandwiches which were made with Elvin bread, a mighty Hobbit feast.
The drive up to Michael’s (Rug Rat) flat at Plas Pencelli was full of the normal banter, Darren trying to establish how close he would come to dying again, Simon under normal circumstances would do this instead of Darren, but as he had already run this river was enjoying trying to worry Darren (Thanks).
When I say normal banter it would also be fair to say we had a bizarre conversation about whether Michael would be paddling or not, it transpires that when Emily says no she actually means yes, but actually does not want Michael to paddle and wants him to stay with her. If he then paddles because she has said yes she then pulls a hissy fit because he should have known that yes actually means no? Confused? Me too it would also appear that the phone Martin calls Michael on does not exist and that’s why Martin never gets a call back?
Moving on as we drive in we were all very very very surprised to see the Usk river, and all its tributaries and hundreds of mountain streams running deep brick red hue and out of the banks regardless of how steep they were, at Crickhowel bridge the normal Usk get out the Bridge had a huge wave behind it. The mood had already changed all busy pretending not to be nervous. Martin searching for plans A,B,C and D with three possible E’s.
On arriving at Pencelli to pick up Michael we were all surprised to find that the place where he lived had been ransacked over night leaving it in a terrible state some might say 'tip like'. In fact the robbers felt so sorry for them they deposited nice mountain bikes, skis and kayaks randomly all over the place, very handy.
Being at Michaels was a strange experience, a cave man emerged from a door on the left filled a bowl full of maggots then took it outside to force feed a screaming cat which was large enough not to fit through doors any more (Guinness Book of records?). This cave man then went back to his cave after making strange sounds. Michael then emerged from his room dressed in a diaper and a baby grow, man this lot are weird. Darren escaped quickly back to his car locking the doors.
Finally five boats and enough kits to last us for months we were off to the Tawe get in which is above the pub at Glyntawe. We arrive and get kitted up. Darren had deviously negotiated with Martin to be the Shuttle Bunny on his extremely uncool bike. NOTE Darren was surprised but grateful Martin was so easy to convince it saved Darren pretending to be injured. Thanks.
Thankfully for the credibility of the group the bike was not needed as a group of paddlers from Nottingham arrived and they gave us a lift back from the get out. Unfortunately however Martin still wanted to show us a wheelie and some endos on his mum’s bike, this took fifteen minutes. Ross, Simon and Michael escaped silently whilst this was happening and were playing on the first weir.
Martin and Darren finally carried their boats to the river; Darren’s worryingly weighing in at 5 tons? Never did work why but might have been the lunch box, spare paddles, throw rope, rescue shelter, fridge, wide screen TV, entire back collection of Miami Vice and Sky Box including dish and remote control.
Down under the first bridge Darren taking a perfect left line scraping the rocks thinking this level won't be so bad Martin taking the right line. Both drop the first three foot ledge dropping through the wave then breaking out to play with everyone else.
Next follows an easy but fast grade two to three section mainly with small drops, and waves, a perfect warm up. Darren seemed to be the only person who noticed tributary after tributary joining the Tawe. This section is very difficult to break out of as the man made sides mean there are no eddies.
The next section soon beefs up to grade threes and fours with much chunkier rapids and haystacks all taken with no major issues. The first warning of any thing major soon comes as you approach the second bridge and a monster stopper. Next came a full on set of grade 4 after grade 4 rapid and drops, only when you look back do you realise just what you have paddled through. After this we all break out river left to inspect Pen Y Cae. We are well over a hundred yards short of it and out of our boats we follow the one with the hairy toes, Martin as he picks his way through the trees and wood land, you can smell the fear and hear the roar of the falls themselves.
The route required a fast ferry glide to river right, then a turn to drop down over a ledge next, another ledge with a narrow slot which had a slight lip, then a supper fast break out river right to avoid being dragged down the falls back wards on the wrong side which would definitely lead to a massive kicking (and probably much worse), we quickly set up three areas for good photos sorry I mean rescue points. However we all made sure we looked good and ensured we were not showing any fear! (Be honest you know it’s true).
Martin ran first, looking very Hobbit like and in control he ran well up to the lip and even though Darren had warned him he cocked up the slot and caught the lip with his right edge. The inevitable roll followed, seconds seemed like hours, all nervous that we would miss this fantastic kicking the Hobbit would take and more importantly we might miss the great footage we could send Jeremy Beadle. NOTE obviously that’s a joke and we were only worried about Martin and his boat, well mostly the boat.
Martin skilfully timed his roll, breaking out river right and looking as if he had just ran a grade two baby rapid, even though he had just skipped past a serious kicking. Meanwhile the rest of the Inner Circle was thinking what chance have we got if the hairy toed Hobbit rolled! Next up was Simon he made his line making it look easy, next Darren guided in by the Hobbit found his line and although nearly disappearing backwards due to posing for a photo made the breakout, Michael dived into the eddy followed closely behind by Ross.
All safely into the breakout point we finally took a look at the awesome Grade 4+ Pen Y Cae falls. A full on scary slide river right avoiding the worst of the stopper and being slammed into the wall, this then needed to be followed instantly by manic paddling river left to avoid be slammed into the wall river right by the current through the very narrow 3 foot slot, then dropping down into more ledge drops avoiding the stoppers!! No worries!! So we set up two camera points (this was a priority Darren was fed up of having no pictures), we also set up three rescue points all ready to save Ross should he need it.
Ross ran first and took an interesting line on his head, down the slide into the slot, ramming himself into the side and capsizing just as he starts to drop down over the ledge drops each time bouncing up as he hit rock with his head, some how he managed to narrowly miss all the stoppers, and very impressively he managed to roll up and break out! Great paddling! NOTE This was much to the groups surprise as we were at least expecting blood and possibly one knocked out Ross, incredibly he ran up smiling as ever asking if we had it on video and yes we do and yes everyone has now had it, it’s very funny, thanks.
Martin up next aced it sliding down paddling perfectly over, skimming dead centre through the slot then running down the drops over the rapids into a breakout point. Making it look very easy.
Darren is next down the slide, he hits the side of the slot but skilfully manages to avoid a capsize, and continues to skim down through the rock and drops down breaking out river left, with a huge grin, happy to be alive. Jedi power again carrying him through.
Michael followed Darren’s line and also narrowly avoided a swim, but also skilfully made it to break out.
Back in the boats the Inner Circle continue on for less than a hundred yards to the beginning of the main falls, out again we inspect and set up camera and rescue points although the rescue points were pointless because we would not have been able to get a boat in and the throw lines would never have reached, for some reason none of us discussed this?
The line on the falls was easy (to avoid death) ferry glide to river left, turn then pass under the little water fall which blinds you (thanks Martin for that), quickly between two rocks clinging to the cliffs, staying river left to avoid being pulled down the centre line and to certain doom, then paddle for 30 yards turn at right angles and paddle like a nutter, ker-plunk down you go.
Oh yes and whatever you do avoid the swim because there is a grade three rapid with half the river blocked by a huge tree that will strain you, no pressure! Everyone stepped up to the plate and made the falls, Simon being the master of this art, Ross for some reason running it side ways and the weight of Michaels baby grow and full nappy turning him on landing. The falls were awesome!
Next down a short grade three rapid hard over to river right past the tree to the gorge section, this starts with more grade four drops which lead into a long side ways slide where you need to try and avoid a nasty side ways stopper, next over a huge six foot haystack and on down the river punching through the stopper at the bottom, this was a fantastic section everyone doing there best to hit the haystacks full on, Ross even managed to 180 and back surf the stopper awesome (fluke you know it and so do I).
Next comes a narrow and fast gorge with some great haystacks the river now deceptively eases of, but round a bend comes an unexpected narrow ledge drop of a reasonable height, at the bottom sat a very large and side swiping stopper,
The Inner Circle merrily looking up at the gorge and cliffs one by one dropped down into the stopper first saw Simon roll followed closely by Martin, somehow Martin rolled up to find Michael in his armpit and facing backwards! Next Darren dropped in pulling off a very cool and skilful back deck role, which is amazing because he can’t do it (he then bored us with tales of how cool his roll was all the way back!), Ross followed Darren also capsizing. Michael was the only one who managed to survive and avoid the roll! No one knows how!! 4 out of 5 paddlers took a role in that stopper how cool is that???
All laughing and trying to work out what had happened to the group we paddled on down through some easier rapids. After this we had to break out above a weir which we portaged to avoid death (a simple choice), the huge tow back and deepness would have sent you to the Green Room for ever! As we were getting out here Ross and Michael hilariously threw snow on Simon and Darren (how they laughed).
After the weir there came a short grade 3 gorge followed by a bridge which had two huge stoppers just inside it, this caused Martin to stop dead in his tracks Michael soon joined him to spin around into Martin’s loving armpits once again. Everyone else managed to punch through with no issues.
Soon we were at the get out carefully chosen by Martin for its inaccessibility and likely hood of dying and loosing our kit, a near vertical wet mud slope onto a main road full of Welsh Boy Racers in Impreza Turbo’s. Nice one.
Darren collected the car and everyone got changed apart from Michael who was still weirdly wearing his baby suit and nappy, no wander Emily went home, she escaped!
We all jumped back into the car, Darren fired up the engine and drove off the bridge into the road the weight of Martins lunch box and Michael’s nappy causing us to bottom out and ripping off most of the back end of the car.
Never mind, we were off to scout a section of Grade 5, all high on Hobbit dust and survival, we all were planning our lines and drops, how we would run huge water falls we call it dreaming! NOTE No trip should be planned after a trip only when you get home and sanity and reality sets in.
Dropping Michael off he was pleased to see a note from his boss offering him praise on all the good work he had been doing lately and how soon him and Cave Man may soon be doing a different role.
We screamed back across the bridge to avoid Michael showing us pictures of other men in Baby Grows and Darren dropped everyone but not Wilf off at Ross’s house.
An Epic trip
Kayakerdad
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